Sam Shouldn't Know
by sherbett
Summary: Dean doesn't want Sam to find out about his time in hell and all the things he did.


**Dean Doesn't Want Sam to Know  
Word Count:** 1,099  
**Disclaimer:** I don't not own Supernatural or any of the characters.  
**Pairing/Characters:** Dean, Sam, there's a mention of Castiel  
**Spoilers:** _Spoilers up to 4.11, Family Remains_  
**Summary:** Dean tries to keep his memories of hell hidden from Sam.  
**Notes:** Might add another chapter later.

**Chapter One**

There are at least three things you should know about Dean. The first one is that he loves his brother, he really does. The second is that he also loves girls, beer, and pie. The third is that he's trying to stop the apocalypse. For him, this is normal. Oh, and the last thing you should know is that he continues to have flashbacks from his time in hell. That's more than three, Dean is a complex guy.

He's determined not to let Sam know how much hell affected him. He can't let Sam find out what happened down there, the kind of things he did, they aren't pretty. He just can't let his brother down like that.

He has bad dreams almost every night. And they always involve something from hell. Last night's was particularly bad and even though Dean remembers every second, he pretends everything is okay.

"Hey Sam! You wanna go get some beer?" Dean calls out from the bathroom. His voice has a rough edge to it, like he's only just failed to hold back tears.

"We have beer Dean, what the hell is taking you so long?" Sam's voice sounds muffled through the thickness of the door and Dean can just hear the continuous mutterings from the tv.

"More beer. Come on Sam." Dean's voice gets slightly rougher at the end of the sentence. He feels like he's about to lose it.

"Fine" Sam sighs and then Dean hears the door open and close. A few seconds later the car starts, and He's gone.

Finally, Dean has some time to himself. He can stop pretending.

He goes back to the main part of their hotel room. It's badly decorated.. Diamond patterns blend into diamond patterns. A horrible mix of green and pink. Still, It was the only hotel in this town. This small, middle of nowhere town. Dean idly wonders why there don't seem to be any jobs is Vegas, or L.A.

He flops onto his bed, spread out over almost the whole thing. His thought turn to his dream last night. He sees face after face after face. They shine with blood and sweat. He can clearly see the open wounds on their arms and chest. All types of wounds. Wounds you couldn't imagine. Wounds he made. Face after face after face. Soul after soul after soul. Dean did unimaginable things to them all and he enjoyed it. That's what scared him the most, the enjoying. These people, Dean doesn't know their names, he doesn't know what they did to end up in hell, but he still sees them every night. Every single night.

His thoughts are interrupted by Sam returning. Dean quickly wipes his eyes, making sure Sam will never find out, and turns to greet him. Sam is carrying a paper bag, from which he pulls a six pack, and a DVD.

"We all know you have crap taste in movies dude, what did you get this time" Dean greets him.

Sam throws the DVD at Dean, and he plucks it from mid air. Turning it over he discovers its Terminator 2. Sam went for one of Deans favourites. Which means something must be up. Sam never passes on an opportunity to torture Dean with horrible chick flicks.

"T2!! Nice choice Sammy." Dean's voice has a special note of appreciation only his brother gets to hear.

He crosses the room and sits on the couch next to Sam, picking up a beer along the way. The movie starts to play and Dean knows almost every word, but he's not paying much attention to the movie. He starts to wonder why Sam chose this movie and soon his thoughts turn to his dreams.

About halfway through the movie Sam turns to face him, and randomly blurts out "I know you haven't been sleeping well Dean".

Dean's first thought is crap! This is what the DVD was for. So that we could have a nice heart to heart.

"So...?" Dean keeps his eyes on the screen, hoping Sam won't notice the slight change in his voice. He really does not want to talk about this.

"Soooo... What's up?" Sam keeps staring, he almost stops blinking.

"Nothing" Dean manages to keep his voice even, not letting the sadness or anger seep through.

"Dean! You have to talk about this sometime." Sam keeps pushing.

After the hunt they were just on, what Alastair said, Deans not at all surprised Sam's asking. Sam's not the type to keep quite. Dean wishes that just this once, he would drop it.

"I heard what Alastair said. That you had potential. What the hell does that mean?" Sam raises his voice just a little. Dean sighs as he stands and walks to the table to get another beer. He sits back down on the couch and drinks, silent.

Sam continues to stare and it bugs Dean. Bugs him to no end. Dean can feel the anger building inside him, all those months of not sleeping, of having nightmares, they all pile up on him and fuel his anger.

"I didn't deserve to be saved Sam! Castiel never should have freed me." Dean says quietly, his voice has a dangerous edge to it.

"What?" Sam's anger is completely gone, from his voice at least. He stares at Dean in a different way. Trying to figure out what those words could mean. Dean lowers his gaze to the floor for a few seconds and goes back to watching the movie. Pretending that never happened. Pretending he didn't break for those few seconds.  
"Dean, whatever it is, you can tell me" Sam's voice is quiet.

"Just drop it!" Deans voice is low and flat. Emotionless and yet still having a slight tone of firmness.

"I can see what it's doing to you. I can see how it eats you up inside. I can see how you struggle with it every single day, and I can see how you try to hide it."

And Dean thought he was doing a good job of hiding it. He felt a wave of sadness when he realised all the effort he put into hiding it was wasted. All that effort spent pretending to be alright, all day, every day. Wasted.

"I can't talk about this" Dean's voice falters slightly at the end. He knows that Sam heard. Luckily Sam drops the subject, for now at least.

As soon as the movie ends Dean goes to bed. He gets ready for another night of horrible dreams. Another night of seeing the faces, thousands of faces. He'll never get rid of this. He doesn't care. He feels he deserves them. He thinks he deserves every second because he misses it. Because he enjoyed torturing all those people, and in a strange way, he misses it. And Sam can never find out about that.


End file.
